(Recorded from the disciplinary council case #27)
Disciplinary Council: Will the accused please rise? You have been charged with the following crimes: Posing as a school student ambassador, telling a visiting family that you were “Gregory Brown,” their assigned tour guide, hijacking the family from their original tour…
Student: I object!
Council: On what grounds?
Student: I prefer the word, “commandeering.”
Council: Commandeering a family from their original tour, leading them in circles around the boiler room, telling them that this school was, “A government conspiracy designed to how see far they can push kids without their brains melting, man,” going into a ten-minute story about how you, “knew a kid whose brains melted out his ears, broseph. It was gnarly,”
Student: It was gnarly!
Council: Passing the family notes that said, “We’re being watched. Run,” on them, giving them complimentary t-shirts from our rival school, telling the family how this school is, “lame because they’re so exclusive about who they let into the student ambassador program,” walking the family off school grounds, making them buy you a slice of pizza…
Council: Is something funny?
Council: We hope you realize the severity of your actions. Though you were rejected from the student ambassador program twice, you still committed these offences. You are never to set foot in the admissions office again, and never apply for tour leading again.
Family: (to student) Are…are we supposed to be here?
Student: Yeah. It’s cool. (chewing on pizza)
(Recorded from Disciplinary Council Case #36)
Council: Will the accused please rise? You have been charged with the following crimes: Not attending your eleven o’clock period history class, trespassing in a 7th grade Spanish class, telling the students that you were their substitute teacher, “Professor Monkey,”
Student: (laughs) Professor Monkey!
Council: Sending two students out of the classroom to “get me some Chinese food,” scaring a 7th grade girl into thinking that she had failed the class by not knowing what “antidisestablishmentarianism” meant, stealing several students’ wallets, making the students watch you do what you interpreted to be good miming,
Student: Hey! I went to mime camp! I was sharing my talents!
Council: Assigning the students a ten-page paper on the dangers of breathing, making one student wear a dunce cap, asking another to prom, assigning another paper, this one to be written using $20 bills as paper due in ten minutes, teaching Russian, attempting to convert the students to Catholicism, attempting to hide under a student when the real teacher showed up, challenging the real teacher to a duel, and fleeing the scene of the crime. How do you plead?
Student: (mimes “guilty”)
Council: What are you doing?
Student: Fine, fine! I’m guilty, you Philistines!
Council: As punishment, we, the council, sentence you to twenty hours community service, to be done in the form of substitute teaching a fifth-grade class. You start tomorrow, Professor Monkey.
(Recorded from Disciplinary Council Case #97)
Council: Will the accused please rise? You have been charged with the following crimes: Hacking into the school’s email server, assigning the school’s Democratic, Republican, Catholic, and Atheist clubs the same room for their meetings, emailing your friend asking to borrow his video camera to, “film the fireworks,”
Student: It went viral.
Council: Sending out hour-long videos of you singing impassioned ballads, somehow all about junk food, while playing the accordion, telling the student body that, to graduate, they must send whatever cash they have on them to your address, and emailing all students flyers for a club you call, “Moms for McCarthyism.”
Student: In my defense, the principal just released a statement of my innocence.
Student: Yea, check your emails.
Valerie Bodurtha, Age 16, Grade 11, Horace Mann School, Silver Key