As you probably have noticed, there has been a growing trend of “hipster glasses” lately. These are clear-lens glasses, with absolutely no prescription, used only to make the user seem like he/she needs glasses. These so-called, “Hipster Glasses” do not actually help the wearer to see, but are worn, according to my lovely 13-year-old contact, to be “statements on conformity.” So since we live in a society of self-indulgent teenagers, the demand for these clear, nonprescription pieces of glass attached to the face has never been higher! And this quest for different, ironic accessories has prompted me to release my own line of apparel. I call it, “Disabléd.”
So here’s a little sneak peek of what’s coming your way next season, fashionistas!
1. Since according to the trend of these, “hipster glasses,” the loss of vision is perceived by some as cool, we have something even better coming your way. Now introducing: “The Hipster Hearing Aid!” This brand-new technology doesn’t actually help you hear yourself making comments about how everyone around you is a phony; it just looks like it does. Upload photo after photo of yourself wearing this awesome accessory to Facebook and Instagram, and just watch as your friends realize how coolly different you are! One size fits all, but not in a conformist way.
2. Then we have the ultimate statement in nonconformity: the Ray Bans Pacemaker! This ultra-new accessory is the next step in anti-mainstream heartwear. What says, “I don’t care what you think of me,” like a regulated heartbeat? But we haven’t told you the best part: Because we understand the need for “vintage,” our pacemakers are test models from the year 1932! Soooo retro! Order yours now and you’ll be hand-cranking the ten-pound external motor all the way to individuality in no time! (Caution, electrocution is imminent.)
3. Have you ever walked into a supermarket, and seen those brave, strong people riding those mobility scooters? These are people who do not let the shackles of society dictate how they get around. And now you can break free too! Buy your own power scooter and state that you sprained your ankle at a “rich people protest,” while saying the word “bourgeoisie” as much as possible. Nothing shows your parents what a rebellious, out of control teen you can be like putt-putting past them on the street at 4 miles per hour without a helmet! This scooter comes in deep soul blue, ironic conformist gray, and pink.
4. New from this cool vintage thrift shop you found downtown: The Nonconformist Dialysis Treatment! Nothing quite says, “I’m an individual and I don’t care what anybody thinks about me,” like paying thousands of dollars for a treatment that you don’t actually need. Make your friends jealous by saying things like, “Oh, I can’t possibly go to that Decemberists concert. I have, like, an appointment with some hemodialysis,” and, “Oh, you actually use your kidneys? Have fun with your elitism, you conformist sheep.” Also comes in peritoneal.
5. And finally, the accessory that no one is talking about, new from, Urban Outfitters: The Ironic Nurse Aid! Show all of those popular kids that you refuse to conform to their pyramidal societies that they meet in secret to plan by having an elderly woman in scrubs follow you around 24/7…ironically. Make an outlandish anarchist statement by hiring our apparel to read magazines around you and feed you tapioca…ironically. Read “The Catcher in the Rye,” and complain to her that popular kids, “don’t get it,” while she gives you an ironic sponge bath. This is the perfect accessory for the unique, quirky you!
Valerie Bodurtha, Age 16, Grade 11, Horace Mann School, Gold Key