My Bathroom

Act One
Scene One


Off-stage male and female voices (in her head?):

You can’t talk to him anymore.
He doesn’t want to be your friend
You’re scaring him.

Here I am, at the sink at the school bathroom, trying to wash off explicit poetry that i wrote on my arm this morning. Its scary being here, where anyone can see me. At any time, the door could open, and anyone with a vagina could walk in. I pretty much hate every vagina in this goddamn school.

Off-stage male and female voices (in her head?):

No. He doesn’t want that.
You were NEVER friends.
stop arguing about this.


(Click clack of heels enters bathroom. She hears this, and paces nervously back and forth.)

someones coming.
into my bathroom.
well, I guess its not really my bathroom.
But I’ve been spending so much time here, it might as well be.
I eat lunch here every day, perched on the weird little shelf thing near the window.
I write, draw, and generally vandalize the stalls with my favorite pens.
I sob, and put on eyeliner, and practice cursing in front of the mirror.
It’s pretty much my bathroom.

Off-stage male and female voices (in her head?):

You have to control yourself. Don’t cry over nothing.
I forbid you from talking to that boy ever again.



shit shit shit. Aubrey is in my bathroom.
Look at her. With her fucking perfect shiny red hair, her weird pursed lips.
of course the queen of dumb whores is in my bathroom.
she needs to stop looking at me.
There is nothing to see here.
Oh fuck she is looking at my arm.
fuckfuckfuck what do i do?
I should hiss at her.
I would, if i had the balls.
And the hissing abilities.

Off-stage male and female voices (in her head?):

“You had it coming to you, amelia.”
“just go away.”
“get the hell out of my face, you spoiled brat.”

Is she looking at my hair?
My hair looks disgusting today.
the white part is starting to go a little green.
I look disgusting.
There is black eyeliner running down my face. Its even on my lips.
How the hell did it get on my lips…
She is still here.
I repeat. Aubrey is still here.
Well, better Aubrey than May.
More like Maylicious.
like…like malicious.
fuck. if you add “licious” to anything, i guess it mostly just makes it sound pornographic.
And Aubrey is still looking at me.
She is pretty much porn, now that i think about it.
You know, just in her very nature.
I remember when i wanted to be her.
I wanted to be the girl who gets with all the guys.
The girl in the heels and the crop tops.
The one who can do whatever the fuck she wants and get away with it, seeing as she’s so hot.
But I am happy being myself now,
which is weird because i hate myself and I’m miserable.
but i am still much cooler that Aubrey or May or anyone will ever be.

Aubrey leaves scene.

If only i had hissed at her.

Dramatic extended silent pause

No one has spoken to me in a while.
I would say, “I wonder why.”, but i know exactly the reason.
It’s because of him.
Ugh i won’t even say his name right now, but mark my words its because of him.
Its because of him and because of May and the school.
Its because of religion.
Its because half of my hair is white and i wear combat boots even in the summer.
Its because i draw zodiac signs on my body and attempt to give myself piercings.
Its because i eat lunch alone in the fucking bathroom.
Which is because of him.
And i’m not even allowed to go up to him and tell him that.
I’m not sure if he understands to the full extent, what he did to me.
I don’t think he understands that i pretty much reside in the ladies room now.
That he pushed me even farther from society than i already was, and made me feel like i was some sort of weird beast.
I wish he knew how bad he destroyed me.
Its funny how you can ruin someones life and not even know it.

black-out on AMELIA’S side of the stage. lights up on the other side, a cafeteria with tables and people sitting down. we see a boy


Off-stage male and female voices (in his head?):

“No one even likes you”
“It’s not you and me against everyone.”
“You’re so weird, Gabe.”


Reading about George Washington. Holds it up to audience.

And not because it was assigned to me for school,
because we don’t even learn american history here.
I just like reading about him.
I love all sorts of political history.
And politics in general, really.
Everyone here says that I’m gonna be the President of the United states someday.
They really don’t understand the government.
not everyone is set on being the president.
…You make too many enemies in that position.

Off-stage male and female voices (in his head?):

“If you didn’t separate yourself from others so much, we wouldn’t have this problem.”
“God, Gabe. Shes just being nice.”
“You aren’t really as smart as you think you are.”

As the president, you have to appeal to the people.
You have to actually connect to the public.
Now, i’d like to think that i am somewhat of a people-pleaser,
but i simply cannot deal with individuals.
Does that sound confusing?
I guess i just prefer big groups to actually appealing to people one on one.
I am brilliant at dealing with both, of course.
It is just that the latter is less enjoyable for me.
You have to understand emotion.
I don’t do that.
Problems are never solved using emotion.
They are solved using strategy.

Off-stage male and female voices (in his head? possibly parental figures?):

“Can’t you see I’m busy?”
“You can’t always have whatever you want.”
“You made her cry.”

Aubrey walks in and sits down at the table with her friends. they all quietly exist onstage while gabe continues talking

well, there goes Aubrey.
she’s very attractive, and she has class.
i like that about her.
But i can’t stand her friends, most of which are quite idiotic.

Aubrey whispers something to her posse. they all laugh. hahahahahha

They are so damn loud when they laugh together.
If i WAS to be the President some day, which as i said before, i honestly don’t want to be, i don’t think i would want any of them to be my first lady.
I need someone smarter, and more level-headed.

Aubrey walks over. gabe looks down at her shoes.

I think my mother owns the same pair of shoes.
The kind that goes up way too high on the lower leg.

Aubrey makes eye contact with gabe and flashes him a knowing smile

She knows something.

Off-stage male and female voices (in his head? Including authority figure):

“all i was trying to do was be your friend, but now im not even sure if i feel like it!”
“We cant just go about banning students from talking to one another. has she really been harassing you?”
“I think you just like her.”

Aubrey leans over and makes a whispery hand-mouth contraption.


Her breasts are in my face.
Now, I am not complaining.
They are very nice breasts.
It’s just that this means she is definitely about to whisper something.
I hate the sensation of receiving a whisper.
I dont like feeling hot breath swirling around my ear.
I dont like how the whisperer is always a little too loud.
It shocks my eardrums.

Aubrey finishes whisper, walks back to her table

Not the news, just the sound itself.
What Aubrey has to say is completely predictable.
It appears that Amelia is eating lunch in the bathroom again.
And, surprise-surprise, she is crying.

Aubrey walks away seductively, back to her table

extended pause


Amelia hasnt spoken to me in a while.
I would say “I wonder why”, but i know exactly the reason.
It’s because of me.
I dont want to think about what happened right now, but it is directly because of me.
It’s because of me, and because of her.
It’s because i hate dealing with emotions, and she is full of them.
It’s because she is always a wreck, and i cannot deal with cleaning up the wreckage.
It is because i was bullied, and eventually beat up, because i used to be like her.
It’s because i used to be an outsider by choice.
And its because i dont want to make that choice again.
I didnt really want to cut Amelia off.
But i had to.
This was supposed to be a fresh start, and she was ruining it.
In a way, Amelia embodies the past.
And i miss her, and i wish it didnt have to end like this.
But i dont really think she understands, to the full extent, what she did to me.
How she took me, and turned me into an outsider, like she was, before i had even had a taste of what it was like on the other side.
She made me feel like some sort of novelty.
Its funny how you can ruin someones life and not even know it.

Aubrey walks in and sits at a table with other trashy looking girls. she should look very classy in comparison.

offstage male and female voices

‘You’re such a whore.”
“Not everybody likes you.”

I shouldn’t have worn boots today. Its almost june. And here i am, sweltering hot in my new Jimmy Choos. I mean, i love these boots to death, and they go adorably with my high-low skirt, but it’s not winter, for crying out loud! I might as well have come to school in a parka, even!
Whatever. these boots are hot. And they were not exactly cheap, so i might as well get as much wear into them as possible before i outgrow them.
I’ve outgrown a lot of things lately, i think. I’m not really sure how to explain it. I outgrew all my friends, yet i still hang out with them all the time. I stick with them, and they stick with me. We’re like sisters. But we fight like sisters, too. Just last month, there was this whole big thingy where
Eve kissed Becky’s boyfriend, Max, on the bus back from the DC trip. That tore the whole group apart a bit. Eve and Becky havn’t spoken since. I love them both, but oh my god they have to grow up! In fact, i think this whole goddamn school is too small. Everyone has small ideas and small dreams and narrow minds and small tits. …That last part was a joke…but it kinda was’nt. There are, like, 25 girls in the whole grade, and none of them are exactly what you’d call lookers.

offstage male and female voices

“Putting other people down isn’t going to build you up, ok?”
“the boys only like you because you’re easy. you know that right?”


Now that i think about it, Amelia could be really pretty, if she tried. It’d take a DRASTIC makeover, of course, but i think it could happen. She just needs to cut the skunky part out of her hair, cool it with the eyeliner, and maybe buy some clothes that don’t look like they came from the sale section at Trash and Vaudeville.

…Also, she might need to stop acting like a depressed bitch all the time. the whole “fuck you im so so sad” act needs to stop NOW. I honestly think she’s doing it for attention. I mean, i just walked into the bathroom, and you should’ve seen the way she stared at me. It was like she wanted me to say something or whatever. weirdo.

I wonder what happened with her and Gabe. They used to be friends, to the best of my recollection. I remember that they danced together at all the Bar Mitzvahs. Well, she tried to get him to dance. He would always refuse. But it was still cute! I think she might’ve had a little bit of a crush on him, which is actually hilarious because he is such an opposite of her! He’s so logical and weird. I mean, she’s REALLY weird, too, but you know what i meant. It’s like this whole different brand of weird. He’s all wall-streety, and she’s like one of those occupiers who doesn’t really know what they’re fighting for.

off-stage male and female voices

“Stop meddling in my business!”
“You’re so STUPID, Aubrey.”
“Anorexic skank.”

MAY walks in and sits down at AUBREY’S table


I have no idea who “The Grateful Dead” is, and i doubt she does either, but her shirt is so cute. Tie-dye might be making a comeback…



She always smiles so weirdly. Its unnaturally peppy. But she has nice teeth, so it works.
How was Amelia ever friends with someone so happy?

I wonder if she’d want to know that Amelia’s crying in the 1st floor bathroom (which i have secretly renamed the laborawhorey becase last year everyone hooked up there during the dance-a-thon). I wonder if she cares? They don’t really appear to be on speaking terms right now.. It’s hilarious, really. Now May is where she belongs. Amelia is suuuuch a drag. She and May are, like, total opposites. May probably doesn’t give a shit about her anymore.

Long, silent pause.
Amelia hasn’t really spoken to anyone in a while.
I would say “I wonder why”, but i know exactly the reason.
It’s because of her.
I don’t even wanna get into it right now. But trust me, It’s because of her.
It’s because of her and her effed up emotions,
and her weirdo brain and pretentious sense of self.
It’s because she thinks she’s better than us.
And now no one can even go near her.
Not even May, who used to be her only friend.
She has pushed May and me and everyone else out, and now she expects sympathy?
nu-uh. That is not how this work.
She doesn’t get it.
I don’t think she really understands, to the full extent, what she’s doing to herself.
How if she just manned up, got normal and maybe stopped hating everyone, we would welcome her with open arms.
She tricks herself into being alone.
It’s funny how you can ruin someones life and not even know it.

off-stage male and female voices

It’s never ok to cry.
She just has a spark that you don’t have.


My daddy always told me not to cry. He said that crying is a sign of weakness, and that if we want to overcome trauma, we just have to bottle it up.

Amelia is apparently crying in the bathroom? At least thats what Aubrey says.
I like Aubrey. She’s super trustworthy and sooooo sweet.

I don’t mean to be rude, but it serves Amelia right to be crying.
She obviously brought this whole weird thing upon herself.
Who the hell does she think she is, stalking the new kid?
And on top of that apparently she stole my boyfriend, or at least his first kiss, which was supposed to be special WITH ME. I had the kiss all planned out, and Amelia spoiled it.

It was supposed to be at the Hudson River. He and i would be sitting on a bench, and his arm would be around me. It’s sunset, and he’s gazing into my eyes. I scoot a little close, and snuggle up to him, and then look up at his beautiful face. And then, just like that, it’d happen. The kiss would be soft and sweet and cute and passionate. See, my main problem was that I had such a specific idea of what i wanted the kiss to be. I had it all planned. The park (riverside), the time (early evening. thats when sunset is, duh.), i even had a certain bench that i had picked out, with just the right amount of shade and a PERFECT view of the Hudson. Of course, i’d have to squeeze in time in between when school gets out and swim practice, or between swim practice and when i had to go home to watch my little sister and cook dinner. But this has not stopped me yet. I tried to make time every day for Elias and i to make a mad dash to the park and find that special bench. I liked the bench because it was in memory of another woman named May. I feel like other May and i have some sort of connection. I mean, we hade the same name, after all. Its obviously a sign. Anyways, It always bugged me because whenever we’d finally get to the special place by the river, I’d be late to practice, or I’d be sweaty or something. My first kiss cannot, under any circumstances, happen while i am sweaty and hot or whatever. And it cant be toungey. We’re not making sex tapes or anything. It’s supposed to be a first KISS. A kiss is JUST lip on lip contact. But ughhhh, its supposed to be so much more than that. It’s supposed to communicate love to another person. Thats why i tried so hard to make time to kiss Elias. I wanted to show him how much i wanted to be with him by showing him how important the kiss was to me. Apparently, the kiss didnt mean as much to Elias. Because HE lost his kissing virginity, and yeah thats a thing, to AMELIA, of all people. AMELIA!!! she eats her pizza without even mopping off those disgusting pools of grease. She listens to profane music, and her hair is white. I repeat. She dyed her hair white. who does that? I certainly wouldnt. If my hair was white itd turn green from all the chlorine because i swim sooooo much. Although ive been thinking of quittting the swim team. Doing butterfly stroke 5 times a week is starting to make my shoulders look incredibly beefy. But yeah. eew. Amelia. She’s kissed boys before. heck, she’s probably kissed girls before! what a slut. I’m sorry, i know i shouldnt use the word slut. But i bet she’s TOUNGE KISSED these boys, or girls, or people. I mean come on, isnt that taking it a little far?


The happiest moment for me this year happened with Elias.

The most unfortunate events that happened this year happened with Elias.

May’s fake-ass boyfriend.

My USUALLY perfect *ex*.

Damn, it mightve been my only happy moment.

It makes me kind of pissed off.

I was catsitting for my fancy art collecting neighbors,, i think? I never even saw any cats there, but every day i would go in and put food in the bowls, and the next day it’d be gone , so i guess they existed? Anyways, i invited Elias, because he knows about cats, and i know jack shit. Oh man, Elias’s cat is named Titties. Brilliant. Man, May didn’t deserve Elias.

So apparently Amelia invited Elias over the the neighbors house? Like, for “catsitting”? FOR the record, i dont even think there were cats there. I didnt even know she had neighbors? whatevs. All i know is that why would she need help catsitting? especially from MY elias. he doesnt even have a cat, i dont think. i thought he had a dog? i guess i wouldnt know. ive never been in his house. Ive walked him to his house, after those dates at the park. haha. “dates”.

Me and elias, catsitting. man, that was the closest i know ive ever gotten to going out on a real date. usually the guys dont really want me. i dunno why. im obviously hot shit, and anyone can see that. The guys here just dont get it. They want a girl like Aubrey. Someone rich and beautiful and “classy”. Or they want someone like may. ugh. may. even when i say her name i imagine it in that drippy font. you know, covered in a green sludge. MaAaayech. blech. they want someone like her. a goody two shoes with fuckin morals and values and all that crap that the world thinks i dont have. they want her so they can make her go bad. eew what a stereotype. but i know may will never go bad. i know her too well. thats the sucky thing. i hate her, but she’s still my best friend. somehow.



i bet they listened to some sort of indie track that i dont know. Something with rap, maybe. but not a hiphop song. some sort of whiteboy rap with a hipster vibe.

i remember i plugged my ipod into the neighbors massive, crazy speakers. we listened to gorillaz and tried to find the cats. eventually we ended up on the floor near the giant bed, crawling under that queen-sized bitch, on a rabid hunt for pussy. hehe. we failed. but then i realized we were just lying there, on the carpet. looking up at the ceiling. holding hands with the boy i had subconciously liked since the 3rd grade. The one who crossdressed with me for halloween and played video games with me after school every day, even when i had the swine flu. the boy i liked was cuddling with me, and holding me, and all that jazz…and then, it just happened.

there is no way it couldve just “happened”, you know. Amelia was obviously planning this for a long while. stalking her prey, if you will… and i bet that she didnt even feel bad about it.

the funny thing is…i actually felt REALLY bad afterwards. i mean, maybe not bad for the right reasons, but bad all the same. Elias belonged to may, you know? who was i to fuck with that, as much as i hate that malicious maylicious monster. you know, i think i might secretly have this weird desire to be NICE. ive never really been considered the nice girl. lets see, from maybe kindergarden till second grade i was a HYUUUUUUUUGE bitch, in third grade i toughened up, cut off my hair, and started playing with the boys, and it stayed that way until maybe the middle of sixth, where i became the mega fuckup that stands before you today. ive never been the girl that all the parents wish their daughter could be like, or the one that is agreeable with all the teachers or whatever. that was always mays job. jesusfuck, maybe im such a bitch to may all the time because im jealous? or maybe its because i dont agree with her thinking that just because she had a “life threatening brain disease” FOR A MONTH when we were litte means that everyones gonna be all peaches n’ cream to you for the rest of your goddamned life. the world just so happens to NOT WORK THAT WAY.

i had a reeeeaaaaally rough childhood, you know. my parents never really agreed on religion and stuff, so i was brought up kind of having two sets of values, but i dont blame them for all this. my parents are basiclly saints. but then in grade 3 i was hit hard with something called “mycoplasma-meningoencephalitis”. i did not make that name up, i swear. im, like, one of 3 people in the world to have ever gotten it. and i was in the hospital for a whole month…i came back to school eventally, but apparently while i was away the school told the kids that i was in the hospital for a minor case of dehydration. i guess the teachers told everyone that so that the kids wouldnt worry. i mean, my hospitalization happened only maybe a year and a half after another girl in our grade, silvie, had died of an aneurism, as well as Nick’s dad dying in a totally tragic dfasplane crash. may they both rest in peace, of course…

i bet May is one of those girls who mourns people she didnt know very well. scratch that, i KNOW she is that type of girl. i know because she still cries about the death of that chick from our school, sylvie. MAY HAD NEVER EVEN SPOKEN TO SYLVIE, and then once she died, may went all “boohoo poor me she and i were so close”, and made the whole thing about her.

MAY AND AMELIA (Amelia sarcasticly)

we were soooooo close!

blackout on amelias side of the stage. back to may and aubrey in the lunchroom

off-stage male and female voices

“no one ACTUALLY likes you, you know.”
“we expected more from you.”
“dont you DARE cry.”


what was i originally saying? i went off on a bit of a tangent. im sorry.
oh yeah i remember. amelia, crying. bathroom. her bathroom.
thats what everyones been calling the lunchroom bathroom now.
its actually really funny, because Amelia’s whole deal is “oh pooor me no one notices me.” but in reality, when she does something as IMmature as hiding in the bathroom for hours on end, everyone’s gonna notice. its a grade of 50 kids, so naturally people are going to notice when a kid, especially when, i hate to say it, is the token weird kid, is just missing. And no one knows why, of course. No one knows why except for me, and Elias, and possibly gabe. We were kind of the people that all turned on her at the same time. and before you go saying that was rude, just know that i HAD to leave Amelia. she was a psycho. duh.

I dont really talk to amelia anymore.
I would say i wonder why, but i know exactly the reason.
Its because of rights and wrongs.
its because of boys and girls.
Its because of kisses and time restraints, and the other grace. Bench grace.
And an old woman once told me that things always happen for a reason, and that everything is for the best, and that it is gods will.
This woman was a holocaust survivor, so what she said must be true.
Amelia may be mindlessly wrecking up everything, but she doesnt even realize she’s doing it, i dont think.
But she made me feel like a total, pardon my language, bitch.
ive never felt like that before.
It’s funny, how you can ruin someones life and not even know it.

lights shift to ELIAS


off-stage male and female voices

“wow youre such a dick.”
“what are you, stupid?”
“and you’d better not be late, or else this is it.”

So here i am, just minding my own business.
Oh crap.
May is sitting with Aubrey?
what the hells that about. theyre not even friends.
May HAS changed a lot in the past month or so, i guess.
so anythings possible.
Oh god.
how could i go out with her?
shes such a social climber, you know?
like, she’ll do anything to be on good terms with anyone.
Except for Amelia, obviously.
She seems to despise that girl.
I mean i get why?
but please, believe me.
Amelia didnt “steal’ me from May.
Jeez, its not like she’s some crazy seductress or something,
and it was just a kiss, is all.
…my first kiss.

I had never been so hyped up about my first kiss.
But May kinda changed that.
Upon further thinking about it, she was borderline psychotic about the whole thing.
…You know, i didnt want it to end up like this.
when i first started dating May, i just wanted something nice.
i just wanted something nice, y’know?
i just wanted something simple.
and now of course, because theyre Amelia and May, and they will literally never not fight, things have gotten out of control and no ones talking.
and the whole thing is so immature and ridiculous and stupid.
i just wish it was maybe, like, 5th grade again.

In 5th grade, i had two friends.
Amelia and Ben.
It was great.
We would go over to Ben’s house every day after school,
and play Super Smash Bros Brawl,
and on saturdays we would go out bowling at the port authority bus terminal.
Then ben started hating school,
and one day he just disappeared…
then amelia got weird.
god, she got so weird.

suddenly, the amelia side of the stage lights up. amelia is seen staring at the mirror.

AMELIA (screaming)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! enough is enough.

voice softens
Ive gotta get out of here. this is so stupid. …why am i here?
Am i hiding because im ashamed? ashamed of what? ashamed of myself?
Am i protecting everyone else by staying in here?
i dont hate myself. i should rub my weirdness in all their faces! i am proud of myself! i am better than them!
…or am i?
what if THEYRE better than me? maybe im just jealous.
oh god oh god oh god am i hiding from Gabe?
…I love gabe…
…he hates me, but I absolutely love him.

this is a big realization for amelia. she stops and stares at herself for an extended amount of time.

I love gabe. and i…i think i mightve loved him since he came here.
I mean…he was new. he had potential.
its a pity he wanted nothing to do with me.
god, its such a fucking pity.
Whyd he have to push me away?
Whyd he have to make up a goddamn lie to the principal to make me stay away?
i was never stalking him. he knew that.
i just…i needed a friend i guess.
after May turned into a megabitch, and started dicking around with elias, i needed a friend
And Gabe seemed so perfect. He was sharp and opinionated enough to have heated debates with me about anything and everything. And he has really fucking shiny hair. i am a sucker for the shiny hair.
Im going crazy. im going off on a tangent.
…ive gotta get out of here.

In a moment of liberation, AMELIA finally leaves the bathroom and enters the lunchroom. shes still crying and immediatly regrets her decision when she sees GABE, AUBREY, MAY and ELIAS all staring at her.

someone hasnt spoken to me in a while.
I’d say “i wonder why”, but i know exactly the reason.
It’s because im a person.
Im a person, so i hurt people. and i let people hurt me.
I grow and change.
I evolve and attack, like a pokemon.
then i slink back into my ball.

It’s because im a human being.
Its because i’m happy.
Its because im not.
It’s because of the mask i wear.
The mask that either hides me, or exposes me for who i really am.

I am a person, and i tend to self destruct.
I separate myself. I make myself an outsider.
Or i try too hard to fit in.
I pull myself in a billion different directions,
and blame myself for every mistake.
and i wreck myself.
…its funny.

extended pause

…its funny how you can ruin your own life, and not even know it.


Amelia Sylvor Greenberg, Age 14, Grade 9, Fiorello H Laguardia High School of Music, Silver Key

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