It is my great pleasure to announce that I, your beloved fellow student, am running for the student-body president elections. I will make an excellent student-body president, not only because of my impeccable ability to juggle, but also because of my plans to serve the community. I also intend to bring panache to the school, which is a fancy type of beef stew served in Yugoslavia. I am a true leader. For example, just the other day, on my bus, I told a middle school student to, “Pipe down, twerp,” and indeed he did, my fellow students, indeed he did.
I personally believe that this school has had its fill of smiling politicians who promise everything but deliver nothing. I, as your president, will promise nothing and deliver mail! Plus, everyone gets a puppy!
I have a revolutionary new idea, one that uses water conservation as a way of saving the school hundreds of thousands. I don’t want to disclose too much, because I haven’t thought of it yet, but I can say this: It is definitely going to work. I plan to propose this idea to teachers, deans, my mom, my pet cat, or anyone who will listen. I promise to propose the heck out of this plan until someone actually listens to what I have to say, in which case I will probably be too busy to actually follow through. I mean really, I only just beat the giant hand in Super Smash Bros. I’m not a miracle worker.
I also think that I would be a great president because I can work miracles. This one time, I did this really cool flip thing into my family’s private lake, but my sister wasn’t looking and I couldn’t do it again just because. But it totally happened.
Some people have expressed doubts of my ability to lead, due to the fact that I have not participated in any student governments at this school. Now just because I haven’t been a part of student government at this establishment, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ve never participated in any government systems at all. No, you see, for rather recently I started a government system of my own. I am president of the United Council. It consists of me, as president, my mom, my goldfish, and a couple dozen stuffed animals. We have passed seven laws so far, and we’re still working from my blanket fort! Currently we are in a stalemate over a law regarding how many gavels the president can own, (Señor Fluffington and Gilbert von Squishy simply refuse to give in) but once the negotiations end, I’m planning on proposing a new bill that will radically change the color crayon we write the bills in. As you can see, I’m a natural leader.
I know that some of you want to hear some of the ideas I have for this school. Well, I plan to take classic ideas never put in action, but give them a little twist! A while back, during one of the student-body president elections, a system was proposed called the “Sandwich Service System.” It was a plan for students who did not have a lunch period. You gave your sandwich order to the president, and they would have a student in their employ deliver said sandwich to you while you were in class. The employed students were sold as being discreet and quiet whilst in their sandwich deliveries, so as not to disturb the class. The president promised to get kids working for this system by offering community service hours to those involved.
I, for one, was shocked when I heard this idea. Never in all of my time here have I heard such a revolutionary, ingenious plan! I applaud this system, and all who would have taken part in it. Unfortunately, the proposers themselves were not elected, and the system was erased into oblivion.
But not anymore! I have pondered on this system and decided that it is a necessity. I also expanded on it, and created some new, even more progressive plans that are also a necessity. Listen closely.
My first plan is this: Let’s say you didn’t sleep all night, and you are now exhausted. But it’s only ten o’clock! And you don’t have time to sneak off to the AV room for a quick nap. My groundbreaking Cymbal Service System will employ other students, working for community service hours, (It feels so good to give back) to follow you around, and whenever your eyelids droop in class, they crash the cymbals right next to your face. Better than a double espresso!
On another note, let’s say you are stuck in a class with a bunch of people you despise. You can employ the Slap Service System that will hire other students, again for community service hours, (such a feeling of self-fulfillment!) to come into class whenever the rage starts a-building with a large garbage can lid and slam down that condescending jerk! Serves them right, being more attractive than you!
However, my favorite system, and the one I feel we need the most, is this: Let’s say you’re in poor spirits one day, and not even wearing your favorite onesie to class will cheer you up. Then you are in dire need of my Splendor Service System. This plan hires other students, once more with community service hours, (What poetry! The selfless helping the needy!) to dress you in robes of satin and silk, adorn you with flower wreaths and oils, carry you into class above their heads on a palanquin, where all shall bow and anoint you their king. And then they’ll bring you your sandwich.
I am a person of strong moral fiber, and strong normal fiber! I eat more than a healthy serving of celery each day! My point here being that I am also a rather dedicated person. I watched around seventy hours of South Park, just so I would have the know-how to entertain you. And every minute was worth it. That’s how dedicated I am to you.
What I stand for I feel is best said in the words of Thomas Jefferson on that famous Groundhog Day March to Freedom from the Icelandic people: “Fourscore and seven years ago, one nation under god, indivisible, and if you give a mouse a cookie, every move you make, every breath you take, I’ll be watching you. And by the power invested in me, I now pronounce that we leave the gun and take the cannoli. Amen.” Or just in my slogan, “We are men of ethics. We are not pathetic. So stop saying I am, grandma!”
I look forward to serving the community.
Valerie Bodurtha, Age 16, Grade 11, Horace Mann School, Gold Key