Survivor: Colonial Dating Edition
(…A random theater, somewhere in the Thirteen Colonies. Onstage are a host, a young woman, and three male contestants. Mystery Man 1 (MM1) has long, brown hair and is about six feet tall. He is dressed in a cheap suit, has a shaggy beard, and looks like he had a drink before arriving. Mystery Man 2 (MM2) is very short. He has a pudgy nose, blue eyes, a bowl haircut, a huge face, and tiny hands. Mystery Man 3 (MM3) is tall, blond, and dressed in casual attire. His hands are big, and he looks very dignified.)
Nebuchadnezzar (to audience): Everyone! Welcome to Survivor: Colonial Dating Edition, also known as the N-bud Show! I am your host, Nebuchadnezzar, but just call me N-bud for short. Here with us are three mystery men here who hail from different colonies and walks of life. All share the same goal – to marry this lovely woman here, Jane Williams! But only one will be chosen. Let’s get started and find out who that will be!
(Jane Williams gets up and waves; the audience cheers and throws roses at her, candles blink, and she sits down)
Jane Williams (to MM1): So, what is thy name, sir?
MM2: Ma’am! He’s Satanic!! He’s been drinking beer, can’t you see? He’s half asleep!
Williams (to MM1): SO, WHAT IS THY NAME?
MM1: Oh. Well, my name is Peter Minuit, and no, I did not found New Netherland. That was another Peter Minuit, who founded the colony in 1626.
Williams (to MM1): And where art thou from?
Minuit: I’m from New Amsterdam.
Williams (to MM2): What is thy name, sir?
MM2: My name is John Winthrop, and no, I did not found the Massachusetts Bay Colony. Honest! That was another John Winthrop, who gave my family a cat also named John Winthrop. I was named after the cat.
Williams: Mister Winthrop, where art thou from?
Winthrop: I shalt not speak until thou doth put a “Goodman” before my surname.
Williams: So, Goodman Winthrop, where art thou from?
Winthrop: I come from a land where the people want to purify the Anglican Church. It’s called…MASSACHUSETTS. Part of our colony to the north is separated by another colony called New Hampshire. I don’t usually like to name-drop, but my surname is the same as John Winthrop, the founder of our colony, because we’re related.
Minuit: Same goes for me except that I’m related to Peter Minuit.
Williams (to MM3): What is thy name?
MM3: My name is William Penn-Dyer. My parents named me this because I run really fast like William Penn.
Williams: Wow, that’s very impressive. Mr. Minuit and Goodman Winthrop, dost thou have athletic talents?
Winthrop: Who idles with athletic pursuits? That is the equivalent of play. Besides, my colony is a “City on a Hill.” We’re high up, so the air is thin. It’s very hard to do physical activity.
Minuit: Well, I do some skating, shooting, sledding and bowling. I also merry-make on Sundays. In case you didn’t know, merry-making is drinking and gambling. That’s how I came to own a fur business and a brewery back in New Amsterdam.
Williams: Why art all of thou still single?
Penn-Dyer: I actually was married before, but my wife, Mary Dyer, sadly was hanged in 1660 because she refused to leave after the Puritans banished her from Boston.
Minuit: I was previously engaged, but my fiancée drank too much beer at once. She was sort of driven insane. The cow paths are very crooked in my city, and she got lost following them. Then my house burned down, too, and I have been living in my brewery ever since.
Winthrop: I’m young.
Williams: What do you do about religion?
Winthrop: We Puritans are very strict. We do not conduct ornate services like the Anglicans do back in England. However, we are still loyal. We are only here to purify the Church. My colony was founded so Christians can have religious freedom.
Penn-Dyer: How selfish of you to only have religious freedom for your goodselves. In my colony, Pennsylvania, we friends have religious freedom for all religions. We don’t swear allegiance to anyone. That’s one of the reasons why we don’t have a minister. We are not people of violence. We friends don’t fight in war. We hide in the bushes for protection.
Minuit: Hey! Who listens to a coward who hides in the bushes? I go to church, but just once every few weeks. It’s just a normal life I lead.
Williams: Next question. What is your idea of fun?
Winthrop: Drawing epic scenes from the Bible!
Minuit: Merry-making, like I said before.
Penn-Dyer: I hop into bushes.
Williams: What art thy occupations?
Winthrop: I’m a minister. I read the Bible three times a day. On weekends, I pray all day. I’m also a lawyer. I was one of the lawyers in the Salem Witch Trials.
Penn-Dyer: I’m a government official.
Minuit: I’m a brewer and fur business owner. I’m probably eighty-five percent brewer, though.
N-bud (to everyone): Everyone, it’s time for a commercial break. When we come back, we will move into the double round!
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The New Amsterdam “Ye Olde Beer Hat”
Beer lovers everywhere (but especially in New Amsterdam)! Try out this new beaver hat that holds two beer bottles at the same time! There are straws leading from the beer bottles, which allows you to enjoy two flavors of beer at the same time. This handy hat goes wherever you go and also leaves your hands free for other merry-making while you drink!
The Ye Olde Beer Hat comes in three varieties of colors – gray, brown, and reddish brown. These are made of one hundred percent organic material. Finally, by buying this hat, you are helping to support New Amsterdam’s economy, especially its fur and brewing businesses! Well, folks, have fun!
* * *
N-bud: Well, everyone, we’re back. Let’s get right back into the questions. Jane, please go on.
Williams: How are you going to raise your children?
Minuit: I don’t know. Let my child go merry-make?
Penn-Dyer: Ha! He just doesn’t want to tell you that he’ll booze up the children. I, on the other hand, will raise my child with tenderness and care. He shall be loved and not beaten. He will get a good education and go to University of Pennsylvania. We will feed him a lot of healthy foods.
Winthrop: We will make our child wake up at 4 o’clock in the morning, and have a quick two-hour prayer. We will make him go to school, grow up like a good Puritan, not let him have fun after he reaches age nine, and send him to my alma mater, Harvard.
Williams: Why would I like living in your colony?
Penn-Dyer: Because, like I said, we have religious freedom. We do not live in fear of natives attacking us, because we have very friendly relations with them. We have a nice, heartwarming community – in fact, our main city, Philadelphia, means “City of Brotherly Love.”
Minuit: In my colony, there’s some garbage piled up on the streets, there are some drunks walking around, there are pigs running up and down the streets, some houses burned down, and just to save you the trouble of doing the laundry, you only have to do it every half year or so.
Winthrop: The people in my colony are intolerant of non-conformists, so you will like the fact that no one is different or strange. We are somewhat shaken up by a war we fought with the natives. The place is somewhat disheveled, but we are proud of it and what we’ve accomplished.
Williams: How would you protect me from the natives?
Minuit: There have been some killings committed by these savages in my colony, but have no fear. I will use the money I have made from my businesses to fortify my house (once I re-build it since it burned down).
Winthrop: I will pray to God for his protection.
Penn-Dyer: The natives respect me and are friendly. Our colony has good relations with them. They are not a threat, and you have nothing to fear.
Williams: Now, I want all of you to answer this hypothetical situation. Imagine all of you are riding in a horse-drawn buggy with me, in the middle of a rainstorm, and the buggy suddenly breaks down and gets stuck in the mud. What would you do?
Winthrop: I would pray to God for his help to get us out of this mess. At the same time, I would be thinking about who I could sue for getting us into this mess. However, I wouldn’t get out and try to free the buggy. That is menial work for people below me.
Minuit: I would drink some beer from my “Ye Olde Beer Hat” to pass the time, and hope someone comes by to help.
Penn-Dyer: For you, my lady, I would get down from the buggy, in the mud and rain, to free you, for I cannot bear even the mere thought of seeing you stuck in the cold and rain.
N-bud: All right! That’s all the time we have for questions. We’ll pause for another commercial break, and when we come back, lovely Miss Williams will make her decision!
* * *
New and Improved New England Flapper
Parents – use this as a tool to slap your children.
Teachers – use this to discipline your silly students.
The New and Improved New England Flapper has a long wooden handle with inlaid ebony accents that not only make it more attractive, but stronger for more hitting force. The head is made of super strong leather with edges lined with tiny sharp objects. Then, there is a hole perfect enough to leave a big blister. Bad Behavior decrease guaranteed!
This flapper is super strong and effective. You can mete out twice as much punishment in the same time compared to the original flapper. Parents and teachers, have fun and happy flapping!
* * *
N-bud: Welcome back! Now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for – let’s hear Miss Williams’ decision.
Williams: Gentlemen, you were all wonderful contestants and it was very hard to make a choice. But I choose…William Penn-Dyer. William, your answers convinced me that I would enjoy spending my life with you in your colony. I like the fact that you are athletic and can run very fast, you are ethical, you are not a religious zealot, and you don’t get drunk. These are qualities that I am looking for both in a husband and the colony where I decide to live.
Goodman Winthrop, you are clearly well-educated and a man of high standing in your colony. However, I believe you and your colony are too intolerant of people who are different than yourselves, and I don’t think I could join you or your colony.
Peter Minuit, I liked the fact that you are a successful businessman. However, it became clear to me that you are too focused on merry-making, and that it would be difficult for you to settle down into family life. I also did not want to live in your brewery, and New Amsterdam sounds like too chaotic a place for me.
N-bud: All right, William, come on over! Take Miss Williams by the hand and good luck in this new chapter in your life! And all of you, we’ll see you next week for another episode of “SURVIVOR: COLONIAL DATING EDITION!”
(Penn-Dyer comes over to Williams and takes her hand. She blushes and looks at him with bright eyes. Curtain down and fade to black)