Blaargh

Blaargh

Lights up on a dark stage. A single spotlight brightens a small portion of front center stage. Offstage, footsteps slowly get louder and closer, until a man in suit walks on into the spotlight. He clears his throat and begins:

PROFESSOR

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, to the first ever public journey through (waves his hands) time! Yes, thanks to the boys at engineering, we have been able to actually bring a group of…oh, say, even up to two hundred people, through time itself! Now, of course, there aren’t nearly that many of you tonight, but the lighter load should make for a more pleasurable trip!

He strides over to a machine stage right, the spotlight following him.

PROFESSOR

And here she is, folks! The Astoundinator! Our portal to the past and the future! Well, mostly the past, actually. And, well, not the near past. Or anywhere other than Earth, really.. But we still can go back to all sorts of places! Like the wild west! Or the Ice Age!

He throws a lever and suddenly everything goes blue. He does this many times, once for each time period, accompanied by a different color of lighting.

PROFESSOR

Or the American Revolution! Or 17th century France! Or Beethoven’s house! Abraham Lincoln’s cottage! The original Olympic games! The invention of sliced bread! Or…

He spins around the machine and presses one huge button, and suddenly we are looking at a barren wasteland, with dry earth, a burning sun and mountains far in the distance.

PROFESSOR

…this place! Oh, well, we were supposed to be up on those mountains over there, but this is fine. Here, folks, are the original Himalayas!…I think. We may be to early. Or on the wrong continent. Let me check the readings…

As he strides back over to the machine and offstage, he turns around and throws a small, walkie-talkie into the crowd.

PROFESSOR

Oh, yes, be sure to keep that with you at all times. It’ll let you stay in contact with me. I just need to check something by locking on to a point of gravitational focus. I’ll be back in a jiffy! Cheerio!

He hurries off stage right, pushing the machine along with him. Lightning flashes as the machine disappears away into time and space. A few awkward minutes are had, where the sun falls and the moon rises at an accelerated pace. The sun rises again and we settle at about noon the next day. Slowly, we see a hunched figure dressed in rags (CAVEMAN #1) tumble from stage left. He refuses to acknowledge the audience and proceeds to scratch himself in various places.

CAVEMAN #1

Ook. Ack brackert.

The walkie-talkie, from its position in the audience, buzzes to life, and the PROFESSOR’s voice emits from it.

PROFESSOR

Oh, hey! Um, it seems that since you’re all new to this time travel stuff, languages don’t immediately translate for you. Who has the communicator?…you there! Can you press that button?…the big red doohickey. There! That should do it!

CAVEMAN #1

Zzerbrt…well, goddammit…Agnes! Where’s my beer?

PROFESSOR

Sorry about this…believe it or not, before civilization formed, all of the planet was populated seemingly by rednecks. Just for clarity on their part, we’ve translated most of their customary objects and themes into modern terms.

CAVEMAN #1

I swear, I’ll beat that woman over the head with a mammoth’s…oh, dammit, I’m late for work!

He reaches down to the ground and picks up a rock, holding it like a briefcase. Suddenly, a white light flashes, and the man is gone.

PROFESSOR

Oh my…do not panic, folks, do not panic! Is everyone alright? Um, I’m okay. Anyone know what that was? Anyone? Let me check the pasta strainer…

A noise similar to the sound of changing radio stations blares.

PROFESSOR

Hmm…a strange extraterrestrial radiation is coming up on the charts. Extraterrestrial to our time, of course…it’s possible it simply left Earth over millions of years. There’s also a strange burning smell making it’s way up my nose…no, wait! That’s my spaghetti!

A boiling noise slowly rises before turning into the sound of a raging fire. The PROFESSOR screams. The fire noise melts away after the ding of an oven timer.

PROFESSOR

Huh…huh…well, that’s taken care of. Now where was I? Oh yes, course, the…oh, look! A village! Let’s go!

A pillar of smoke rises in the distance, over the faraway mountain range. The mountains grow closer as the audience zoom towards the source, a hovering sound buzzing below. The mountains fall and a village of caves melts into view. A fire sits in the middle of the set of caverns.

PROFESSOR

Here we are, folks! Civilization! Well, early civilization, that is, with caves and sticks and things. Really living in the rough! These guys only get fire when lightning strikes, and food when…oh, well, uh…

As he says this, CAVEMAN #2 walks over and starts a fresh fire with the use of a cigarette lighter.

PROFESSOR

Oh…well, the food, you know, is still…oh dear.

Following this, CAVEMAN #3 enters with a hot dog in one hand and a taco in the other. Under his right arm is a six-pack of beer. The first caveman unfolds a pair of lawn chairs. He and the other caveman lean back in the chairs and each crack open a can of beer.

PROFESSOR

Did we create some sort of rip? Or a time hole? Or…or…no, there’s no readings at all. There’s nothing! This is not good this is really bad this is horrible! Oh god oh god oh god…we  have to go back! Back to the future! We have to call…

An explosion is heard and a flash of light emits from stage right. The PROFESSOR runs out of the growing mass of smoke, his clothes tattered and burnt.

PROFESSOR

Where’s the thingy? The doohickey! You, there! Give it here! Throw it to me!

The audience member (hopefully) throws it to him. The PROFESSOR throws it into the fog. A huge explosion follows, knocking him down. After a few minutes, the smoke clears. The PROFESSOR suddenly leaps to his feet and begins pacing frantically.

PROFESSOR

Sorry about that just needed a timestream lubricated object to mix with the explosion so as to neutralize the contagious threat of course now we’re short one communicator and one time machine does it smell to you? Right, sorry…now, what we’re dealing with here is very, very big people, and I’m afraid that we’re going to have to kill it, or destroy it, or turn it off, whatever it is.

As he begins to speak frantically, he pulls out a sonic screwdriver and begins to scan the area. At the end of his dialogue, he shakes his and throws it away, pulling out a large gun from behind him.

PROFESSOR

Now then, does anyone else have some sort of weapon on them? Guns? Swords? Atom Destabilizers? Anything?

An old woman cries out from the crowd and toddles towards the stage, handing the PROFESSOR a large can of pepper spray.

PROFESSOR

Ah, yes, thank you! Thank you, this should prove…well, every little bit helps! Now then, I suppose we should…does anyone know where this thing is? Anyone?

As the PROFESSOR questions the audience, a ROBOT sneaks up behind him and proceeds to mimic his movements. As the PROFESSOR turns around, they both jump back at the sight of each other.

PROFESSOR

Ah! There it is! Shoot it! Shoot it!

He proceeds to shoot the can of pepper spray at the ROBOT. The ROBOT cripples at the slightest touch of it.

ROBOT

Ack! Pepper…spray…how’d you…know my…weak…ness…

He collapses entirely. The PROFESSOR, surprised, stands awestruck for a few seconds, then begins to walk off. The ROBOT suddenly leaps and yells loudly:

ROBOT

Haha! I’m just kidding, man!

The PROFESSOR wildly shoots his blaster at the ROBOT, the metallic being recoiling only slightly at ever shot, mumbling that “It tickles.”

ROBOT

Haha! Good one, man!

PROFESSOR

Ah! It cannot be beat! Flee, comrades! (he throws life vests into the audience at random) Flee! Hurry! Leave me behind! I’ll fend him off!

ROBOT

Whoa, whoa, chill, hombre! What seems to be the problem?

PROFESSOR

(caveman dialect)

Uh…h-hello! Speak English?

ROBOT

What do I look like, a tin can? Haha! I’m just kidding you, man. Of course I speak English! I also speak German, French, Spanish, Latin, Chinese, Boldorf, Martian, Wookie, Liver, Kidney, and Porrrrrrrrrtugese (roll on the “r”).

PROFESSOR

Um…well, how about Caveman?

ROBOT

Caveman, huh? Well, I suppose I could give it a try…

He strolls over to the two CAVEMEN, waving and grabbing their attention.

ROBOT

(deep voice)

Ahem…hello. Ook ook ack. BLAARGH!

The CAVEMEN look at each other and shake their heads.

ROBOT

Um…Holas! Donde estas el queso de mi padre?

The CAVEMEN jump in their seats, jumping about and screeching like monkeys. They scramble offstage on all fours in opposite directions.

ROBOT

Hmm…I guess not.

Suddenly, a whole tribe of CAVEMEN appears from both sides, dancing around the PROFESSOR and ROBOT, bearing with them ropes and clubs.

PROFESSOR

Oh…don’t be alarmed, folks! This is just their, um, dance of friendship! Yes!

ROBOT

(whispers)

Shut up, doc.

The cavemen grab them and throw tie them to stakes. They prepare a fire and hold the pair of them over it.

ROBOT

Well, doc, I guess this is the end. I’m just glad we died together…even though we just met seconds ago and we formed no emotional link whatsoever.

Just they’re about to be burned alive, a bright light is focused on all of them, and they all freeze. An enigmatic, grey ALIEN floats down to them, pulls the PROFESSOR, ROBOT and CAVEMAN #1 out of the beam.

ALIEN

Now, then…what’s going on here?

CAVEMAN #1

They started it!

ROBOT

Please, master…I just wanted to impress the numerous people awkwardly staring at us!

ALIEN

Be quiet, Patrol Unit 53767823967843756277328.64756826569348

ROBOT

What? I’m not Unit 53767823967843756277328.64756826569348. That guy covers Sector 56748292647689566823 and a half.

ALIEN

Oh…I’m terribly sorry. It can get so confusing at times.

ROBOT

Why don’t you just reduce everything to scientific notation?

PROFESSOR

It would shorten things quite a bit.

ALIEN

No it wouldn’t, you fools! Scientific notation can only be applied to powers of ten. It would just move the decimal point!

They all mutter in agreement.

CAVEMAN

Why not just change numbers?

ALIEN

Because…it doesn’t work that way! We are space aliens! We’re supposed to sound intelligent!

PROFESSOR

Sorry, but, we’ve got a tour going on right now, and it’d be best if we could move this along a bit faster?

ALIEN

Indeed! Best wrap this up quick. Alright, Unit, you shall be ground into dust. Mr. Mayor (to CAVEMAN #1), I request that you leave immediately. Remember, you don’t get reelected without us.

CAVEMAN #1 steps back into the light bubble with the rest of his frozen friends.

ALIEN

I’m terribly sorry with this mess. I’ve only been aiding these primitive beings in hope that they might evolve into something greater…I must assume by your character that they have not. Very well. Carry on.

The ALIEN and ROBOT exit stage right.

PROFESSOR

Well, then. We’ve seen a lot today folks, haven’t we! In fact, some of us may have seen stuff that we we, in fact, not supposed to see. Ha ha ha ha! Ah…please look into the light and smile.

A bright light flashes, and the long plains are replaced with a bleak, white room. The PROFESSOR (disguised with a moustache) stands with a clipboard and lab coat.

SCIENTIST

Well, done, everyone! Wasn’t that a great SIMULATION, am I right? Ha ha ha ha! Ah…alright you can all go home.
Alec Montgomery, Age 14 Grade 8, Hunter College High School, Silver Key

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