The Conversation

Girl, I’m really thinking about the lift, though. Ha ha, seriously, don’t laugh. I’m serious! No, but seriously, I can’t keep walking around like this. It’s embarrassing. I mean, I’ve been thinking about it; I’m not being irrational. Everyone in my family has a butt. It’s just me; I must have a genetic disorder or something along those lines. I just know it.

I’ve done my research – it’s nothing too unnatural like I was worried about. Basically the surgeon sucks fat out of somewhere in the body and injects it back into the buttocks. It’s my own fat, placed where its supposed to be.

I mean, I’m African, it’s my birthright. And if I was born without my butt like some people are born without fingers, it’s my duty to fix it. You don’t understand. I feel like shit when I try on jeans and they just don’t fit the way I want them to. I have the worst butt envy. I can never befriend a girl with a perfect bottom. I just can’t. And it’s like I never feel pretty because of it. I could wear the best outfit and do my hair real nice. I could feel like a million bucks but if I catch just the tiniest glimpse of my butt, my whole day is ruined. Oh, I can’t tell you how many good days have been ruined because of my inferior backside.

When I was in high school, I was running for treasurer. I already had everything planned out, how I was going to raise money, what I would use it for and guess what happened – lemme just tell you. Some pretty girl decided to run at the last minute. The butt on her, too. I almost dropped out of the race but my friends wouldn’t let me. Anyways, I lost. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not getting the surgery just to look good, it’s for my self-esteem too. It’s just that I’m tired of not feeling equal to girls who are blessed with a backside… When is the train getting here? It’s been on 5 minutes for 10 minutes. Well, yeah, girl, what do you think? Wait – don’t say anything, I know! I should be ashamed talking about how I’m so unfortunate, when there’s people battling cancer and other terrible diseases and I feel like an asshole when I hear myself say this stuff out loud. I really do, but I’ve been feeling like this for a long time. And I mean a long time. It’s time for me to quit thinking about it and do something – don’t you think?

Yeah, it definitely is. There’s just this feeling I can’t shake, like I’m a failure or something. Ha ha, I know it’s weird. What’s up with this train, though? ‘Cause it has to be more than just train traffic. It’s around 9:50, almost 10, right? What was I saying? Oh yeah, you know the stereotype about girls who get things done, they’re fake and vain. I always bought into that and I know I’m not the only one. After the surgery, this probably won’t be a problem but if it were to come up, if someone had the audacity to ask if my butt was natural, I couldn’t lie about it. You know what I mean? ‘Cause that would mean I was ashamed of it and if I get the lift, I don’t want it to be something I’m ashamed of.

I don’t know. I’m kind of disappointed that it’s come to this. You know all that self-love crap they preach on TV? I was hoping to eventually love my body for what it is. I wish I could be the “oh well, whatta gonna do” type of girl. I wish I could take my butt problem casually: “I’ve got a flat butt, oh well, whatta gonna do. I just gotta live it with.” Wouldn’t that be great? Instead of cringing every time I catch my reflection in a store window. I just feel so inadequate at those moments. You know what I mean? Like my very existence is unimportant. I ask myself how I find the courage to live my life without the slightest bulge where my butt should be. How did I manage to go out into public? I should be ashamed. I actually tell myself all these things.

Sometimes I wonder if I didn’t grow up in the Bronx, If I grew up on the other side of the world, would my lack of a hiney be such a problem? I started listening to rap in fifth grade and all I’ve ever heard was guys appreciate girls with big butts. There’s whole songs dedicated to that anatomy of the body, and I’ve always known girls with nice rear ends have it easy. But this isn’t about boys or attention. I want to get this surgery done for myself. I’m just not sure if I am, though. Do you think society’s influencing me to get it done? Is it society’s standards that I’m living up to or my own? I wish I knew. When I think about it hard, everything gets all blurred. But a nice shapely butt is always a good thing. I deserve to have a nice butt!

Don’t tell me to try lunges and squats because I do them in my sleep and I’m still not getting the results I want. I was so excited when I heard a lot of people boasting about their new bottoms. You know Suzy right? Yeah, well she was going on and on about how great her butt looks now. So just imagine how disappointed I am. You know how I feel about cosmetic surgery, I would do anything to avoid it and here was this surefire way to get the same results as a butt lift without the surgery. It just doesn’t work, well it did make my butt more firm but it didn’t add any fat- obviously, to where I wanted it.

And then there’s the whole issue of God. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you let me go on like this. I’ve been talking for the past 20 minutes. And the train, uh..Why haven’t you said anything? Girl, you are too polite! You don’t mind? You sure? I don’t wanna talk your ear off… My uncle used to say God created me perfectly for the guy I was destined to be with and obviously that guy didn’t care for big hineys. The little girl in me is still holding out hope, but that logic isn’t working anymore. Do you see what I do? I’ve already decided to get the lift and now I’m analyzing the whole situation. I’m sabotaging myself, trying to prevent the surgery that needs to be done. It’s like deep down for some reason my inner-self believes I can overcome my backside insecurity. If I could do that… If I could overcome hearing the voices in my head that bully me constantly about my butt, the world would be my oyster. Don’t say it! Even though it’s all I want to hear.

Lashanda Anakwah
Age 17, Grade 12,
Girls Write Now
Silver Key

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