Mazel Tov!

Cast of Characters:

Danny Lichtenstein: 13.  Has big dreams and goals, but doesn’t have any confidence.

 

Sabrina Lichtenstein: 17; Moody and sarcastic.  A typical teenage girl.

 

Grandma Sayde Lichtenstein: 71.  The epitome of a Jewish grandmother.

 

Grandpa Joseph Lichtenstein: 75.  Rabbi of Danny’s temple.  Very proud of his temple and Judaism.

 

Steven Horoski: 13. Danny’s good friend. Talkative and sarcastic.

 

Dana Weiss: 13.  The girl of Danny’s dreams.  Sweet and quiet.

 

Jeremiah: Crazy old man.

 

Earl: Crazy old man.

 

Bully: 14.  Doesn’t have anything better to do than bully those weaker.  A part of the popular crew at school.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scene 1: At the Graveyard

 

(Danny is dreaming.  He is center stage looking around, confused.  He has a blanket.  He is in what seems like a graveyard, with the quintessential eeriness and grey.  In his footy pajamas, he walks around in search for something familiar and is at a loss until he hears creaking sounds.   Two coffins are on stage, one stage left and one stage right.  The tops of each coffin flies off and Jeremiah hops out of the coffin SL, while Earl has a difficult time getting out of the coffin SR.)

 

Jeremiah: Earl, I’m growing old over here.

 

Earl: (Earl practically falls out of his coffin and slowly gets up and fixes his yarmulke.) Time has done nothing for your humor old man.

 

Jeremiah: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I don’t even get a hello?

 

Earl: You were a greedy man before.  (Looks Jeremiah up and down) Why should I think anything has changed?

 

Jeremiah: And I’m the schmuck? After God knows how long we’ve been in the ground the first thing that comes to mind is gelt.  The nerve you…

 

Earl: The nerve?

 

Jeremiah: You heard me the nerve!

 

Earl: What do you mean the nerve?

 

Jeremiah: THE NERVE.

 

Earl: Oy Vey Ist Mir! The shoe seller doesn’t think highly of me!  How will I carry on? (Jeremiah starts to walk away) Wait.  Jeremiah I’m starving.  Can we talk about this over some food?

 

Jeremiah: No I would not like to sit around and be insulted…but yes I could go for a nosh.  Where?

 


Earl: Umm.  (Spots Danny)  Hey! Hello? (Danny looks at him absolutely terrified)  Do you know where two very hungry men could grab a bite?  No?  Do you cook? No?  Okay.  Jeremiah some help?

 

Jeremiah: Son, can you tell us where the closest deli is? Do you not understand us? Nod your head up and down if you….

 

Earl: (says this thinking Danny can’t speak English )  We…would…like…to…eat…food. 

 

Jeremiah: What are you doing?

 

Earl:  (same voice as before) Bring…food…here…for…hungry…men?

 

Danny:  Please don’t eat me.

 

Jeremiah: Once a schmuck, always a schmuck.

 

Earl: We know he speaks now! Who you calling a schmuck you good for nothing….

 

Danny: I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!

 

Earl: No, no, not you.  This fool.  (Points to Jeremiah)

 

Danny: What are you?

 

Earl: Why we’re men! What else would we be?

 

Jeremiah: 100% Old Jewish Dead Men.

 

Danny: But..then..,how? I’ve read about…how are you…alive? Here? Talking to me? It’s impossible.

 

Earl: Beats us.  So…anywhere good to eat this side of town?

 

Jeremiah: I could go for that place….that place on the corner of….Orchard Street.

 

Earl: Where was Orchard Street?

 

Jeremiah: You know down the block, to the right, down the alley, right on the end.

 

Earl:  You’re thinking of Belmont Avenue.

 

Jeremiah: We didn’t have a Belmont Avenue.  You lived there for 79 years – are you dumb?

 

Earl: Schmuck

 

Jeremiah: (looking around) Say what month is it?

 

Danny: March.

 

Jeremiah: Oh my….

 

Earl: You..you think?

 

Jeremiah: Nooooo.  I mean him?  But you think? (Danny looks very confused)

 

Earl: That’s what I’m asking!

 

Jeremiah: Well how would I know; I’m just poor shoe seller?

 

Earl: Oh go back to hell, you putz.

 

Jeremiah: See you there! (Earl not amused) We’re…we’re back for the end of the world! How else would we be here?!

 

Earl: It can’t be.

 

Jeremiah: But it is.

 

Earl and Jeremiah : The Messiah (look at Danny)

 

Danny: Huh?

 

Earl: And he doesn’t even know it! You should probably sit down for this kid.  (Danny sits)

 

Jeremiah: We’ve been waiting for you.

 

(Jeremiah and Earl walk slowly offstage backwards as the coffins are struck from the stage.  Change of lighting or music indicates that Danny is not in his dream anymore.  Curled up on the ground now with blanket over him, the set quickly changes to look more like bedroom than a graveyard.)

 

Danny: (sleep talking: loudly mumbling words that don’t sound like they are English)

 

Sabrina: (enters from SL) What the hell? Danny.  Danny. WAKE UP MORON!

 

Danny:  (Still in a daze) What are you talking about? Me?  The one?

 

Sabrina: Yes, you are the one and only moron.  Danny it’s (Checks the clock) 4:49 in the morning.  I have a physics test tomorrow.  Are you kidding me?

 

Danny:  (Still in a daze) Why me?

 

Sabrina: DANNY!

 

Danny: (Wakes up) WHAT! Why are you in my room at (Checks the clock) 4:49 in the morning?  So this is what you do in your free time? Get out of here!

 

Sabrina:  You’re the one that’s making all the noise!

 

Danny:  Get out!

        

 Sabrina: Ughh, impossible.  Goodbye.

 

(Sabrina angrily exits SL.  Danny sit up and looks around to make sure Sabrina has really left..  He takes out his dream notebook and begins to write.)

 

 

Scene Two: In the Kitchen

 

(Danny and Steven go to Danny’s house after school.  They are in the kitchen near a refrigerator CS casually talking as they enjoy a snack.  A counter is set up SR where food is being prepared.)

 

Danny: When did you get it?

 

Steven: Two days ago.  Maybe three.

 

Danny: (panicked) Three?

 

Steven: Danny, chill. You and Dana have English together.

 

Danny: Right. Right. Sorry.

 

Steven: You don’t need to apologize.

 

Danny:  (pause) You don’t even like her!

 

Steven: You don’t have any control.

 

Danny: You don’t….you just don’t get it.

 

Steven: You’ll get the invite, Danny, and if not you have like 1000 other Bar Mitzvahs you’ll be going to.

 

Danny: But…

 

(Grandma Sayde enters from SR)

 

Grandma: Danny!

 

Danny: Hi, Grandma.

 

Grandma: Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?  

 

Danny: Oh.  Grandma, Steven Horoski.  Horoski, Grandma

 

Steven: Nice to meet you maam.

 

Grandma: Oh you can call me Sayde sweet pea.  Horoski.  Where do I know that name?

 

Steven: Umm Sue and Gerald?

 

Grandma: No, no, that’s not it. (pause)  it will come to me.  How was school, boys?

 

Danny: Fine.

 

Grandma: Danny hates school.  Steve how was it for you?

 

Danny: Grandma! I do not hate school!

 

Grandma: They’re still giving you a hard time about that…

 

Danny: GRANDMA!

 

Steven: (attention caught by a giant hamantash *which has been there the whole time * stage SR on the counter) What is THAT?

 

Grandpa: (Grandpa walks in from SR) Ahhh, a delicacy of Temple Beth El.

 

Steven: Is that a hamantash?

 

Grandpa: The largest one you’ve ever seen, I bet!

 

Steven: Well, yeah.

 

Danny: I haven’t told you about this?

 

Steven: No, you forgot to mention the giant cookie.

 

Danny: You’ve never heard of the Temple Beth El Hamantash-athon?

 

Steven: No.

 

Grandpa: Every year… (Sayde makes a sound indicating she wants recognition) Every year, thanks to Sayde of course…

 

Grandma: Oh, Joseph.

 

Grandpa: Every year, thanks to Sayde and her impeccable talents as a baker, our temple holds a huge raffle during Purim and the winner takes home none other than the giant hamantash.  It’s been a tradition for over 30 years!

 

Grandma: One of Joe’s biggest contributions to the temple as Rabbi.  Joseph, come help me with these potatoes.

 

(Grandma and Grandma walk over to the counter SR and begin to peel potatoes.)

 

Steven: I don’t get it.

 

Danny: Get what?

 

Steven: What’s the big deal?

 

Danny: Are you kidding me?

 

Steven:  It’s a cookie.  Big whoop.

 

Danny: I don’t think you understand the kind of recognition one has for the rest of…eternity for winning the Hamantash-athon. 

 

Steven: You’re kidding.

 

Danny: It’s not a joke! It’s a really big deal at our temple.

 

Steven: Didn’t your grandpa say it’s just a raffle?

 

Danny: Yeah.

 

Steven: So it’s not like you earn it.

 

Danny: Well no. I guess not…

 

Steven: You just put pieces of paper in a box with your name on it?

 

Danny: Yeah.

 

Steven: So why don’t you just put like 500 pieces of paper with your name on it?

 

Danny: That’s clearly against the rules.  You’re allowed no more than three.

 

Steven: I still don’t get it. 

 

Danny: There’s not much to get. It’s like saving a child from a well. You just immediately become that hero, that guy.

 

Steven: That’s the first example that came to your mind?

 

Danny: Lay off.

 

Steven: You’re definitely taking this too far.

 

Danny: Sheryl Rosen.

 

Steven: What about her?

Danny: Did you know who she was until last year?

 

Steven: Well no.

 

Danny: My point exactly, hamantash winner.  Boom.  (whispers) It does magical things. 

 

Steven: Then why not just steal it.  It’s right there in front of you.

 

Danny: Ughh, you’re so stupid.

 

Steven: Because I don’t believe in a magic cookie?

 

Danny: The magic is winning it, idiot!!

 

Grandma: Say, Stephen. (Pronounced with the ph instead of the v)

 

Danny: His name is Steven Grandma. 

 

Grandma:  Steven.  Would you like to stay for dinner?

 

Black out

 

Scene Three: At the Dinner Table

 

(The dinner table is CS

 

Steven: This roast is delicious Mrs. Lichtenstein!

 

Grandma: Why thank you Steven.  Danny, such nice friends you have.  (Danny and Sabrina roll their eyes)

 

Grandpa: How was your day Bri? (Sabrina shrugs) Nothing special?

 

Sabrina: Nope.

 

Grandma: What about….

 

Sabrina: Grandma I don’t want to talk about my day!

 

Grandpa: Sabrina…

 

Sabrina: Sorry.

 

Danny: Always such a wonderful bundle of joy.

 

Sabrina: Shut it, Danny.  Maybe I wouldn’t be in such a bad mood if I got some sleep last night.

 

Grandma:  Why didn’t you go to sleep, honey?

 

Sabrina: Danny?

 

Danny: You’re the one that was in MY room!

 

Sabrina: Because YOU were screaming.

 

Steven: Danny, what were you doing last night? (Danny glares at Steven)

 

Grandpa: What is going on here?

 

Sabrina: He has woken up every night.  Every single night at four in morning, screaming at the top of his lungs.

 

Grandma:  I haven’t heard him.

 

Grandpa: What’s been going on, son.

 

Danny: Not now, Grandpa! (Grandpa just looks at him)  I’ve been having these crazy dreams, okay?

 

Grandpa: Why don’t you try to explain one?

 

Danny: (looks at Grandpa pleading not to share his story, but has no luck.  Slowly starts to speak)  Okay let’s see, where was I? (pause) OH the forest, right the forest.  I was in the forest. But then I began to leave the forest.  But I wasn’t in my footsy pajamas anymore. (Steven snickers)  Now I’m in like a big potato sack and I have a gigantic stick taller than myself in my hand.  And there’s like five sheep following behind me.  I don’t really know the importance of the sheep yet, but, you know, I’m looking into that.  Whatever.  (Speeds up in his storytelling)  Anyway I’m walking and walking, and suddenly the five sheep turn into people.  Real people.  And then we reach this sea.  And so I’m thinking to myself okay how the hell do we get across the sea?  But without thinking I tap the stick twice to the ground and the sea miraculously parts, and there you go – we’re crossing the sea.  Cool right?  But right when we are about to get to the other side all of a sudden the sea comes crashing, and we all get washed up and I wake up.

 

Steven: Wow.

 

Sabrina: Did you die? 

 

Danny: You can’t die in a dream.  Everyone knows that. (Grandpa gives him a look of disapproval) Sorry.

 

Grandpa: I’m not the one you need to apologize to Danny boy.

 

Danny: (turns to Sabrina) Sorry, Bri, that was wrong of me to say.  You’re not at all an idiot and I look up to you so much as a role model. (looks at his Grandpa)  Happy? (Grandpa Joe just shakes his head).  I’m usually pretty good at analyzing dreams.  But right now I’m completely lost.  I’ve been having a different one every so often, Grandpa, and I don’t know…

 

Sabrina: (before Danny can get a word out) Every so often?  Every single night at 4:49 he screams, wakes up the…

 

Danny: Can you just shut up and let me tell him my own story?

 

Sabrina: Can you stop screaming like a baby? (no response from Danny)  Oh, that’s right you can’t?

 

Grandpa:  Sabrina….

 

Grandma: (to Steven) Feisty isn’t she?! (Steven laughs to himself, while Sabrina goes bright red)

 

Sabrina: Sorry. Continue Danny; I’m intrigued. 

 

Danny: (looks at Grandpa) Can you help me?

 

Grandpa: I’m sure you’ve noticed the clear connection.

 

Danny: Well um…no. 

 

Grandpa: Moses? Ring a bell? I think you were splitting the Red Sea.

 

Danny: Like the story of Passover thing.

 

Grandpa: Yes that “thing.” 

 

Grandma: Danny, I’m so proud of you.

 

Sabrina: Grandma, it was a dream.  He didn’t actually do anything.

 

Grandma: Oh sorry.  Steven, do you like those potatoes?

 

Steven: They’re delicious, Mrs. Lichtenstein.

 

Grandma: Oh, you’re just saying that.

 

Steven: No really they are!

 

Grandma: Well, you know the secret to good potatoes is…

 

Danny: Yeah, whatever.  Wait so, okay, I was Moses.  What does that mean?

 

Grandpa: I don’t think I can give you the answer you want.

 

Danny: (pulls out dream notebook) What do you know about a Jewish Messiah.  Are they just referring to Jesus.  Because he was Jewish?

 

Grandpa: Haha. No, not quite.

 

Danny: Well, then what?

 

Grandpa: Danny, do not raise your voice to me.

 

Grandma: Tell us, Joe!  Tell us!

 

Grandpa: It’s not said anywhere in the Torah, but a belief developed later in Judaism that a Messiah would come to our people and all the dead would come alive again.  That’s why we don’t cremate.

 

Grandma: I wouldn’t want to be cremated anyway.

 

Grandpa: Was that another dream of yours? (To Danny)

 

Danny: (has a HUGE smile on his face; incomprehensible words come of out mouth) No.  No, I can’t be.  But it is.

 

Grandpa: What?

 

Danny: It’s me!

 

Sabrina: What?

 

Danny: I’m the Messiah!

 

Sabrina: Did you listen to anything Grandpa just said.

 

Danny: (Mocking Sabrina) Um yaaaa.

 

Steven: Explain.

 

Danny: I’m the one! God is telling me I am the one! It is in my destiny to win the Hamantash.

 

Steven: Back to the Hamantash again?

 

Sabrina: The Hamantash-athon is all luck.

 

Danny: The dreams were just the first step- to get me to understand.  How did I not see this before?  But it all makes sense.  Winning is key.

 

Grandpa: Danny I’m not following.

 

Danny:  In order for me to get invited to Dana’s Bat Mitzvah, I need to win the giant Hamantash-athon.

 

Sabrina: Did you really just say that?

 

Steven: (sarcastically) That makes sense.

 

Grandma: Who’s Dana?

 

Sabrina: Only the love of his life.

 

Danny: Shut it, Bri!

 

Grandma: So you’re not the Messiah anymore?

 

Grandpa:  He was never the Messiah.

 

Danny: Well, no. (pause) But He’s trying to help me out here.  Winning is key.

 

 

Scene 4: At the School Bus Stop

 

(There is a bench and stop sign SL.  Danny is rocking out to his IPOD.  Dana enters SL.) 

 

Dana: Danny.

 

(Danny continues to remain immersed in his music.  Dana begins to laugh a little and taps him on the shoulder to get his attention.) Danny!

 

Danny: Oh. Uh. Dana. Hi.  Good morning.  How are you?

 

Dana: Pretty good how are you?

 

Danny: Yup, same. (pause) What’s up?

 

Dana: Nothing too special.  Don’t really want to go back to school.

 

Danny: Yeah, Mondays always just suck.

 

Dana: Exactly.  (pause) I have a question for you actually.

 

Danny: Ask away! (realizes he reacted too strongly/excitedly)

 

Dana: It’s about the math test. (she takes out a binder from her bagpack.  She points to a certain problem for Danny to look at.) I have no idea how to do this problem. (Danny rummages into his bag to get out his binder to help her.  In the process of it’s contents fall out, but he doesn’t give it much attention and takes the opportunity to move closer to Dana.)

 

Danny: If you look here, you’re just really playing around with the y = mx + b formula and you should be able to figure out the answer.

 

Dana: That’s it.  Ahhh Danny you’re the best. Thank you so much.  I can’t believe it’s that simple.

 

Danny: No problem.  (Danny starts to collect all of his books to organize them back into his bag)

 

Dana: Here, let me help.

 

(Bully enters from SR)

 

Bully: Aww, how cute. (His mockery doesn’t get a response and Dana and Danny continue to put Danny’s bag pack back together.) Dana, where were you Saturday night?

 

Dana: Camp friend’s bat mitzvah in Boston.

 

Bully: Nice. And Bed Pan, you?

 

Danny: I think I was home.

 

Dana: What did you just call him? (Danny looks panicked)

 

Bully: I said Bed Pan.  As in the one and only Bed Pan Dan. (points to Danny.)

 

Dana: What?

 

Danny: You don’t want to know.  Please don’t ask him.

 

Bully: Well since you asked.  Dan the man has quite the reputation.  I’m actually pretty surprised you haven’t heard this yet.  Anyways this guy over here peed his pants in football tryouts.  Saw me coming at him, just stopped, and pleaded for mercy, and completely wet…

 

Danny: That is not what happened!

 

Bully: But you still peed in your pants didn’t you?

 

Danny: Am I ever going to live this down?

 

Bully: Let me think about that one. (pause) No.

 

Danny: (under his breath) Idiot.

 

Bully: What did you say?

 

Danny: Nothing.

 

Bully: That’s what I thought.  (Moves closer to Danny.) Aww little Danny is scared.  Watch out everyone he’s about to leak again. (Bully backs Danny up into the bench. We hear the bus pull up.)  We’re not done here.

 

Scene 5: In Danny’s Room

 

(Danny is on the floor of his room.  He is signing his name on a as many wavers he can to put in the raffle box for the Hamantash-athon.  Music is blasting, waking up Sabrina in the next room.  Sabrina enters from SL)

 

Sabrina: I swear if you keep this up I will seriously…What are you doing?

 

Danny: Get out of here, Bri.  You can’t just barge into my room whenever you feel like…

 

Sabrina: It is 3:30 in the morning and you’re blasting Kesha.  I think I have my rights.  Stop deflecting.  What are you doing?

 

Danny: None of your busi…

 

Sabrina: Danny. How do you have all of those wavers?

 

Danny: What wavers? (Sabrina points to the ones sprawled out all across his bedroom floor.  Sabrina picks one up.) DON’T.

 

Sabrina: You’re now cheating?

 

Danny: What are you talking about?

 

Sabrina: Stop playing dumb.

 

Danny: Just leave, Bri.  Please.  Get out. 

 

Sabrina: You’re unbelievable; you know that? (no response from Danny)  You go on and on an on about how life changing it would be to win this Hamantash.  To win would bring you magical girl-attracting powers.  To win would make you the “man.”  And not only that, but God is the one who gave you this revelation about how just incredibly awesome life would be winning the Hamantash.  So how does it make any sense for you to cheat the system and not actually win it.  Where’s your magic now?

 

Danny: Brava, Sabrina.  A beautiful speech!

 

Sabrina: Stop.

 

Danny: Can you go now?

 

Sabrina: Did you hear anything I just said? If you keep doing this you’re going against everything you believe in.

 

Danny: Well, that’s a little dramatic.

 

Sabrina: Ughh, I mean concerning this stupid competition, idiot.

 

Danny: It’s not stupid.

 

Sabrina: Nobody, and I really mean nobody, cares about it except for you.  Nobody is printing out extra counterfeit wavers to boost his or her chances.  Because it’s all about chance.  God, Danny it’s a frickin raffle.

 

Danny: It’s not; you’re chosen.  By a force that I can’t explain.  Specifically picked.  Everyone has a reason.

 

Sabrina: What’s yours? (doesn’t let Danny speak)  To get noticed by a girl? At temple during the Purim carnival, for Grandpa to announce Danny Lichtenstein as the honorable winner of the Hamantash-athon and for her to suddenly fall in love with you? (Danny doesn’t have a response for her) It doesn’t work like that!

 

Danny: How do you know?

 

Sabrina: I don’t, but…

 

Danny: See you don’t!

 

Sabrina: I don’t understand you though.  If you think it’s all about being “the one” and being chosen, then how does stuffing the raffle box with your name make you naturally the “one.”

 

Danny: It just gives me a better shot.  It, it shows I have a commitment to really earn it.

 

Sabrina: You’re smarter than this.

 

Danny: Was that a compliment?

 

Sabrina: You know what you’re doing is wrong.  If you really do believe in this crazy Hamantashan Messiah story, then you clearly know you’re contradicting everything you’ve previously said. (no response from Danny) Alright, Danny, stay silent for the first time in your life.  Cheat all you want, but just turn off your awful music. 

 

 

Danny: You have no idea what’s it’s like.

 

Sabrina: What what’s like?

 

Danny: School.

 

Sabrina: I mean, I go with you every day and…

 

Danny: Yeah, but you’re a girl.  In middle school you didn’t have to deal with the stuff I do. 

 

Sabrina: I thought this was about all about Dana.

 

Danny: It’s about everything! I don’t feel…I go to school and I’m just constantly reminded of how much of a loser I am.

 

Sabrina: I mean, you’re not that big of a loser.  Danny, it’s not like you don’t have friends. And you do so well in school and…

 

Danny: I’m not like, depressed.  I’m just tired of…I don’t know.

 

Sabrina: Tired of what?  Use you your words. (pause)  Are people still making fun of you for peeing in your pants?

 

Danny: Shut up!

 

Sabrina:  Eventually they’ll forget.  Someone else will do something more embarrassing and they’ll forget all about it.

 

Danny: You have it all backwards.  Your inability to put things together astounds me sometimes, you know that?

 

Sabrina: Enlighten me, chosen one.

 

Danny: If I won something like this I wouldn’t be known for….you know..

 

Sabrina: Pissing yourself?

 

Danny: Yes.

 

Sabrina: Are you listening to the things you are saying? No one knows about the Hammantash-athon though.  You’re putting in a lot of effort…

 

Danny: You just don’t understand.

 

Sabrina: Maybe I don’t.  But what you’re doing is ridiculous.  How did you even get those extra wavers? Did you steal them from Grandpa? (no response from Danny) Wow.

 

Danny: I never asked for your approval.

 

Sabrina: You’re wrong and you know it.  Goodnight.

 

(Sabrina exits SL)

 

Scene 6: Back at the Graveyard

 

(Danny is dreaming again and is back graveyard.  Jeremiah and Earl are sitting SL.

 

Earl: Jerm. (pause)  Jeremy! Wake up? Are you dead?

 

Jeremiah: I’m up. I’m up.

 

Earl: Look! (pause) You are not.  Get up you fool.

 

Jeremiah: (delirious and half asleep) What?

 

Earl: Look!

 

Jeremiah: I’m going back to sleep. (Earl smacks him on the head) I’m up. I’m up.  Was that really so necessary?

 

Earl: Look!

 

Jeremiah: What already? I don’t see anything.  I don’t see anything and you woke me up from a perfectly good nap.  You have always been and you will always be such a…(attention caught by Danny) Earl it’s the boy! (Earl stares coldly at Jeremiah and puts his hands on his face) What? I thought we thought he was a good one.

 

Earl: I’ve been only trying to tell you this for twenty-five minutes.

 

Jeremiah: Yada yada yada, complaining will get you nowhere.

 

Earl: Complaining? You think I’M complaining?

 

Jeremiah: Well yes that’s what I said, didn’t I?

 

Earl: Wise guy over here.

 

Jeremiah: Over where?

 

Earl: I mean you, you schmuck.

 

Jeremiah: Oy, you always need to throw in the vulgarity of the vernacular.

 

Earl: No. (pause) Jerm.  The boy!

 

Jeremiah: Ah right, the boy!

 

Earl: Boy, what are you doing here?

 

Jeremiah: (before Danny can get a word out) I’m sure he has a name.

 

Earl: Yes I’m sure you are right.  Your point?

 

Jeremiah: Maybe you should ask for it.  I mean the name.

 

Earl: Why don’t you?

 

Jeremiah: I’m just trying to be polite! And you call me the schmuck?

 

Danny: Umm excuse me.

 

Jeremiah: Ah he speaks!

 

Earl: How can we help you?

 

Danny: I don’t think I’m who you think I am.

 

Jeremiah: Who do we think he is again?

 

Earl: The Chosen One.  You don’t remember?

 

Jeremiah: Ahh right the Chosen One.  (to Danny) So you don’t think you’re the Chosen One?

 

Danny: The only thing I’ve felt chosen for was maybe my temple’s Hamantash-athon, but I…

 

Earl: A Hamantasha-what?

 

Danny: Hamantash-athon.  It’s a raffle my temple holds for a giant home-made Hamantash. (pause) I found myself cheating to up my chances to win tonight.  I can’t still be chosen and cheat can I?

 

Jeremiah: Well, have you heard from God? 

 

Danny: God? No, I don’t really talk to the guy.

 

Earl: Ah. Well, that explains it.  False alarm Jerm. No Messiah today.

 

Danny: What? I’m not? Are you sure?

 

Earl: Certain.

 

Jeremiah: We’ve confused this before; don’t worry about it.  But what’s going on with this cheating thing? Didn’t you say it was a raffle? How do you cheat in a raffle?

 

Danny: Well I haven’t actually yet, but I have extra ballots to put in to up my chances.  It’s the only way…

 

Earl: Only way what?  Cheating doesn’t go far son.  You may not be the Messiah anymore, I think.   But still, the world and God will probably only see your cheating as more reason for you not to win the giant apricot.

 

Jeremiah: It’s a hamantash! How would someone make a home-made giant apricot?

 

Earl: I don’t know.  I see it as possible.

 

Jeremiah: Yeah, okay.

 

Danny: So you’re saying my cheating would have a…negative effect on my chances as a whole?

 

Earl: Yes.

 

Danny: I never thought of it like that.

 

Earl:  (lowering his voice) I can tell you this man over here, (pointing to Jeremiah) he cheated his way through school and didn’t finish because of it.  Was kicked out before his graduation.

 

Jeremiah: I can hear you, you schmuck! I didn’t graduate because I went directly into shoe-selling! What kind of mishigas are you making up!

 

Earl: I make up nothing!

 

Jeremiah: You will never learn, will you?

 

Earl: Me learn? At least I finished school.  You, you…

 

Jeremiah: I…I… What Earl? Use your fancy high school education to give me an intellectual response.

 

Earl: The nerve…

 

Jeremiah: The nerve?

 

Earl: You heard me the nerve!

 

Jeremiah: What do you mean the nerve?

 

Earl: THE NERVE.

 

(Their voices fade with the dream and Danny is back in his bed sleeping.)

 

Scene 7: At the Synagogue

 

(Center upstage Grandpa is standing at a bema, with the three foot giant hamantash visible. (maybe a Star of David is hanging on top of it?)  A bench is located in directly in front of the bema more upstage.  Grandma, Sabrina, and Danny are all sitting on the bench *in that order*.  The service has already started and there is music and prayer sung in the background.  Grandpa is already leading the service. Danny is impatiently tapping his feet and fingers.  Steven enters from SR.)

 

 

Steven: Yo, Danny.

 

Danny: Yo.  What are you doing here?

 

Steven: I mean I needed to see if you won in the end.  I have your back, whatever happens.

 

Sabrina: We all know what’s going to happen.

 

Steven: How?

 

Sabrina: Why don’t you tell him?

 

Danny: I didn’t do it, Bri.

 

Sabrina: I don’t believe you.

 

Danny: Well, it’s true.

 

Steven: Do what?

 

Sabrina: Cheat.  He filled up the raffle box this morning.

 

Steven: I told you to do that weeks ago, Danny.  Finally some sense knocked into you!

 

Danny: Bri, I didn’t do it!

 

Sabrina: Well then what changed your mind?

 

Danny: I had another…another dream.  With those old men.

 

Sabrina: The ones that planted all this nonsense in your head in the first place?

 

Danny: Well yeah, them.  But they convinced me that cheating would only hurt my chances in front of God who is ultimately gonna determine if I win this. 

 

Steven: Yeah, okay Danny. Wrong move.

 

Sabrina: (puts her arm around Danny) So, I guess you did actually learn something from all of this…hmm.

 

Danny: Eww. Don’t touch me.

 

Sabrina: I take it back.

 

Grandma: Stevie, great to see you again!

 

Steven: You too, Mrs. Lichtenstein. (turns to Danny) So when are we going to hear the big news?

 

Danny: Soon!

 

Steven: Scared?

 

Grandpa: (in a big and booming voice) And we will conclude today’s service with the winner of the annual Hamantash-athon. (Danny sits up in his seat)  Let me just pick a winner from the box.  (rumbles through the box) Sorry, one moment.  Have to find the perfect one.  And here we go.  Ahh, my very own grandson, Daniel Simon Lichtenstein!

 

Danny: (stands up) YES!!!! (realizes everyone is staring at him and sits back down)

 

Grandpa: And he is clearly very excited! As any recipient should be.  Well done Danny, boy.

 

Steven: DUDE!!!!! So now what?

 

Danny: Just let the magic do it’s work.

 

Grandma: Oh, Danny.  I am so proud!  Mazel Tov!!

 

Sabrina: Grandma, if anyone you should be proud of Grandpa for picking Danny’s name.  This was a competition of luck.

 

Danny: No, I was chosen!

 

Sabrina: I thought you finally realized you were not the “chosen one”

 

Danny: Well, yeah.  But I still did it!

 

Sabrina: Yeah, whatever.

 

Grandpa: Danny get up here to hold your prize up high!

 

(Blackout as Danny, with effort, holds the giant hamantash over his head)

 

Scene 8: Back at the Bus Stop

 

(Danny is standing near the stop sign, immersed in his music.  He sees Dana coming and takes his earphones out, in hopes to talk to her.  He pretends to be noticing something to his left.  Dana enters SR.)

 

 Dana: Danny?

 

Danny: Hey Dana, what’s up?

 

Dana: Nothing really.  I’m soo tired.  I go to bed way too late.

 

Danny: Same, same, I smell you.

 

Dana: (looks around and whispers) I smell?

 

Danny: Oh no no NO! It’s just a phrase of speaking.  Like, I feel you.  Or like, same.

 

Dana: Oh haha. Kk.  No problem.

 

Danny: So, you do anything fun this weekend?

 

Dana: I saw a movie, nothing too special.  You?

 

Danny: Well, it’s a long and kind of silly story, but at my temple this weekend I won this giant…

 

Bully: Danny!

 

Danny: Yes?

 

Bully: Nothing.  Ready for the game today?

 

Danny: Yes.

 

Dana: What team are you on?

 

Danny: Baseball.

 

Dana: Ah, no way. That’s cool.

 

Bully: Yeah, Danny boy is a great part of the team.  Not only does he pitch once every two weeks, but he managed to not piss himself on the mound! We’re so lucky to have…

 

Danny: Can you just stop?

 

Bully: Excuse me?

 

Danny: Just stop.  Seriously I’m so done with…with…you!  You clearly have no life if you spend yours terrorizing mine, so please just stop.  Find a new hobby.  Read a book.  I don’t know.  Just stop!

 

Bully: Naah, I like this better.

 

Danny: You’re not funny…you’re…you’re pathetic.

 

Bully: Watch it.

 

Danny: Oh no, the big bully is going to beat me up! Well try me then.  (Bully doesn’t move.) Oh so you can’t actually fight?

 

Bully: Are you kidding me, you are really messing with the wrong dude right now.  Prepare yourself.

 

Danny: I’m all prepared.  Hit me. (Danny puts his hands up and closes his eyes preparing for the worst.)

 

Bully: No.

 

Danny: Really!  Well, uhh, why not?

 

Bully: I don’t know.  You want it?  There’s no, there’s no…

 

Danny: What, there’s no point then.  You’re unbelievable!

 

(Bully exits.)

 

Dana: Danny! How did you do that?!

 

Danny: Do what?

 

Dana: You got him to lay off.  I’ve…I’ve never send anyone able to pull that off.  He was intimidated by..,you!

 

Danny: Really, you think.

 

Dana : Yeah, def! (We hear the sound of the bus pulling up.  Danny and Dana start walking left, towards offstage.) By the way I’ve been meaning to ask you for like a week now.

 

Danny: Yeah?

 

Dana: Are you coming to my Bat Mitzvah?  I never got your RSVP.

 

Danny: Um, I don’t think I ever got an invitation.

 

Dana: Oh, well of course you’re invited! Can you come, you think?

 

Danny: Yeah, I wouldn’t miss it!

 

(Dana walks to get on the bus as Danny takes a moment to fist pump and celebrate with a silent, but very enthusiastic “YES” to himself.)

 

BLACKOUT

 

 

END

Elizabeth Weingold
Age 18, Grade 12
Horace Mann School
Gold Key

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