Confessions of a Selfish Best Friend

I’m selfish.

Horribly so.

I hope you realize this.

I hope you realize that I don’t expect you to have more than one best friend.

That I expect for me to be the only one you’ll ever have.

Because I’m selfish.

Do you remember when I still lived there? And still went to that school? Of course you do. But do you remember where I used to sit before I sat right next to you? I do. First Sarah. Then Lina. I didn’t notice you when I sat next to Sarah. I was all the way on the other half of the room for crying out loud. I still didn’t notice you when I sat next to Lina. Until that day in math when you suggested the reason tally mark went 1 2 3 4 with the 5th line slashed through the middle was because it looked like a fist. My honest opinion of that moment?

‘Who the hell notices that?’

Sorry.

I do apologize if you expected something deep or complementary.

And it’s going to sound odd, but when you were moving to sit down, you kinda bowed in an unsure confused way. I don’t think it was intentional. I think you were fixing your skirt. But the moment cracked me up. At like I said before, it’s going to sound odd, but at that moment when you did that, I decided you were going to be my friend. I haven’t the oddest clue why, but I’m glad I did.

And then I was put next to you. And I made you my friend. I don’t know how I managed it. I’m annoying. You’re not. I’m crazy. You’re not. No matter how much you insist otherwise. You’re just someone who gets along fairly well loonies. Which makes you odd. Not insane. There’s a lot of other things of course. But the list is much to long. Too many things. Like the fact that have the makings of a compulsive liar and you don’t. Literally. I’ve lied to everyone in my life. Except you, of course. Not one lie. Just me telling you every unnatural secret I’ve ever had. Trusting you a tad recklessly. The things you know about me are things that people wait until they’ve known each other for years before they consider sharing it. But I did. You see, I needed someone to trust. So I unloaded all that insanity on you. Because I’m selfish.

But you seemed to care. No. You DID care. Tremendously so. You cared so much that you didn’t go fleeing in the opposite direction. You stayed. And you let me unload insane thing upon insane thing on you. I’m not sure what you thought of it all. You never really commented to much. You just listened. You listened so well that I ran out of secrets. But I loved to talk. So I started to share some dreams.

And then you did the most amazing thing.

Something I didn’t except anyone to do.

You dreamed right along with me.

And you became more than my friend or someone I could trust.

You became someone I loved.

The way I’ve never loved anyone in my life.

And how could you expect me to want share that?

Simple.

I didn’t.

You probably haven’t the faintest clue what I’m talking about. But in mind it had always been you and me. Everyone else was nice. I talked to them obviously. But everyone else wasn’t you. They were okay for some things. But you were okay for everything.

Kinda.

Remember that thing I had about preserving your innocence?

A bit of a ridiculous notion when you think about the people I introduced you to.

But that was once in a while. But the point is that I didn’t share you. You talked to them too. But I doubt they went unloading insane thing upon insane thing on you. That they went sharing dreams for you to dream with them. I didn’t want any one to get that close. I wanted to be the only one. Because I’m selfish.

And even though I’m all the way over here and you’re all the way over there, I still want into be the only one. Because I’m selfish. I want to be your only best friend. Because I’m selfish. I want to be the only one you’ll let unload all that on you. Because I’m selfish. I want the only person you’ll care for enough to listen to, and tolerate and dream with. Because I’m selfish.

But I’m happy that I won’t be. I’m happy that you’re going to let anyone who tries unload insanity upon insanity on you. I’m happy that you’ll care. And I’m happy that if they trust you enough to share their dreams with you that you’ll dream along. Because I’m selfish.

And all I really want is for you to be you.

I’d do anything for that. For you to be as amazing as you were the first time I met you, and as perfect as you are now, till the end of time.

Even share.

Tytiana Browne
Age 16, Grade 11
Williamsburg Preparatory School
Gold Key

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